Assisting supermarket social distancing

We make the effort

The Supermarket Social Distancing aid — a two-metre hula hoop.

so you don’t have to

In our supermarket visits, fellow shoppers constantly infringe on our two social metres of separation, so I’ve devised a simple, inexpensive and easily-procured solution.

Sitting comfortably on the head and waist bands, the Keep-Off Social Distancer leaves your hands free to select the items you need.

I found it hard to reach many most of the shelves, so I hope you have longer arms.

Call 0800 KEEP THEM OFF ME now to order, preferential courier delivery. Introductory pricing starts below $199. Luxury versions available. Astound your friends.

Advance payment please.

Delivery to be advised a long time later.


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But the science is a hoax; the scientists are just seeking funding. If you don’t agree with the consensus you get the sack. Anyway, it’s not that bad. Blah blah blah … Come on, you clueless suckers, you know the score!


Hey Nick, you got your dream. The economy is trashed. You will never travel overseas again. You will spend the rest of your life in poverty and debt.

Are you happy now?

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